Connected As One

Connected as One

Ephesians 5:21-33

January 12, 2020 • Mount Pleasant UMC

Several years ago, an anonymous person contracted an advertising agency in Florida to begin a nationwide billboard campaign containing supposed “messages from God.” Over the years, they’ve become quite familiar and the number of messages have grown. I always smile when I see some of these, because they do make you stop and think even as you’re chuckling. For instance…

“What part of ‘Thou Shalt Not’ didn’t you understand?”

“C’mon over and bring the kids.”

“Keep using my name in vain and I’ll make rush hour longer.”

And then there’s this one: “Loved the wedding. Invite me to the marriage.”

Last Sunday we began a new series called “Connected,” and throughout this month we’re going to be looking at all sorts of relationships and the ways we are connected to each other. Last week, Pastor Rick began by reminding of the most important connection we can make: a connection to Jesus. If that connection is lacking, if we don’t have a relationship with him, then, we believe, everything else sort of falls apart or at least is not as strong as it could be. Our connection, our relationship to Jesus undergirds everything else. The relationship we have with Jesus strengthens every other relationship; it defines every other connection we have. And so, today as we continue to think about the connections in our lives, I want to focus this morning on another important type of relationship, important not only to us as individuals, but important to society as a whole, and that is the connection of husband and wife—the connection we call “marriage.”

First, though, it’s important for me to say a word to those of you who are single. I know some of you are single by choice and some of you are not. Some have never been married and some have lost your spouse to death or through divorce. This morning, we are exploring the relationship of marriage in part because the institution of marriage has become strained a good deal in our culture, even in the church. Part of that strain is on us, the church; we’ve not always done a good job of articulating what God’s design for marriage is. By focusing on it this morning, however, I am not saying that there is any special or higher value placed on marriage than there is on singleness. In 1 Corinthians, Paul talks about singleness, and how those who are single can focus all of their efforts on Christ; those who are married, he says, find their attentions and responsibilities divided between family and the kingdom of God. Now, when Paul is writing 1 Corinthians, he expects Jesus to return any day; there is a lot of urgency in what he is writing. By the time he writes Ephesians, it’s apparent Jesus is not returning right away, so he decides these fairly new believers need guidelines for a healthy, Christian marriage. That’s not to take away from the value and worth of those who are single. When we all work together to support marriage, the whole culture wins.

Ephesus in the first century was a beautiful city. I’ve had the chance to walk through the ruins, and it was thoroughly Roman city. But beneath that outward beauty was a lot of brokenness. And, let me just say that the reason I always spend some time talking about the historical situation is because we often forget these documents we have in the New Testament were written to real people in real places. There was a real church in the real city of Ephesus full of real people to whom Paul wrote. He was not writing to the twenty-first century church in Terre Haute, Indiana. I don’t know that Paul had any idea we would still be reading his words so many years later. He was trying to help the church then and there. That’s not to say there is no value in his words; the church preserved this letter because there is value in it. But if we fail to understand the setting, we fail to understand what Paul and the other New Testament writers were really saying. If we just rip a verse or two out of context as if it were written to us, we’re misreading and mishandling the Scriptures. So, having said all of that, what was marriage like in Ephesus in the first century?

The population of Ephesus was diverse, much like our own culture. One group living there were Jews, and we know from the Scriptures that they had a lower view of women. Every morning, a faithful Jewish man would pray, thanking God that he had not been born a Gentile, a slave or a woman. Jewish law in that day did not give women many rights; she was basically property to her husband. In theory, divorce among the Jews was hard to come by; an ancient rabbi said it would be better to die than to commit murder, idolatry or adultery. But in practice in the first century, marriages were ended for almost any reason—even if the husband simply found someone more attractive. And here’s an important point: the wife could not leave her husband, but the husband could dismiss his wife instantly with a simple written notice. There were no protections for the woman, and often the only way she could then support herself, unless she found another husband, was through prostitution (Barclay, The Letters to the Galatians and Ephesians, pg. 168-169).

The other, predominant culture in Ephesus grew out of the Greek and Roman worlds; Ephesus was, after all, a prominent Roman city. Wives were useful, in that world, for childbearing and for taking care of household matters, but they were not for companionship and not for pleasure. Men in Paul’s time would routinely exchange wives. You know how we date the years with numbers? In the Roman world, it was said women dated the years by the names of their husbands—so, for instance, Cathy would currently be in Dennis Year 30. In Ephesus and the Roman world, they rarely got that high. One ancient source tells of a woman who had eight husbands in five years. Another story tells of a women who was married to her twenty-third husband; she was his twenty-first wife (cf. Barclay 170-171). Marriage, it’s safe to say, was not held in high esteem, except by those who wanted to follow Christ. And so, to those who had grown up in this culture but who were wanting to turn their life toward Jesus, Paul writes this letter and calls the Ephesians to a higher standard.

This passage centers around that single word that is the first word in the translation we read this morning: “Submit.” Part of our problem with this passage is that, in older translations, you would often see a break between verses 21 and 22, sometimes even with a heading inserted between the two. But rather than concluding Paul’s last thought, verse 21 actually starts and sets the context for his next discussion (cf. Walt, Unpuzzled, pg. 124). Everything he says here about wives and husbands has to be read in the light of verse 21, and everything in verse 21 depends on a proper understanding of that word “submit.” Here’s our problem with that word: when we hear it, we tend to think of a hierarchy. Am I right? We want to know who is at the top and who is at the bottom, who is further up the food chain or higher on the org chart than we are. Whose authority do we have to submit to? That’s the way we understand that word, but here is the problem we have when we bring the world’s ideas into our faith. Our model is not the CEO or the org chart. Our model is not Charles Darwin and the “survival of the fittest.” Our model is…who? It’s Jesus. And when you look at Jesus, what does submission looking like? It looks like hands stretched out on a cross, giving his life for the sake of the world. Jesus submitted only to God the Father and did not demand his own way. Here’s how Jesus’ authority is described in another place, something that might be familiar to you: Jesus, “being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2:6-8). That, my friends, is our model of submission. That is our model of strength. We are called, in marriage and in any relationship, not to a hierarchy, but to what Dr. J. D. Walt calls a “lower-archy” (126) where we surrender power and we surrender control and we think of each other ahead of ourselves (cf. Philippians 2:3).

Paul says in a marriage, that’s our calling in regards to each other: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (5:21). Submit…to one another…the word there is “mutual.” While we’re wondering and arguing about who is in charge and which one of us is over the other, the Scriptures are telling us that our model should be Jesus. When he is our model, when he is our standard, then we begin to make a real connection. Living as Jesus modeled for us allows husbands and wives to truly become one. So it’s in that context, we read the rest of Paul’s “instructions.”

The first ones Paul talks to are wives. Now, I want you to think about the context I shared a few moments ago, and realize how revolutionary this is. Whether in a Jewish or a Roman context, wives were not much thought of. In the culture, they were often ignored, but that’s where Paul starts. He includes them; he leads with them. Don’t ever let anyone tell you Christianity degrades women; that simply is not true. In the ancient world, and it should still be true today, Christianity elevated women above any status they had previous had. Now, Paul’s word to wives is short, and I speculate that’s because we guys need more work than the women do, but that’s just my guess. He really only has one direction to these wives: “Submit…as you do to the Lord” (5:22). Here’s a key concept we have to grasp: this is a voluntary submission. If a husband is going around saying, “You have to submit to me,” it’s not a submission that is honoring Christ. He does not override our freewill; nor can we for others. The reason he gives this instruction, though, is because the newfound freedom wives were experiencing as they came to the Christian faith, the value they found, was causing strains in marriages. Paul urges submission not to get the wives “in line” or to make them obey everything their husbands say. It was in order to follow the example of Jesus. Mutual submission. Voluntary submission.

But you can’t just read the wives’ instructions without also reading the words to the husband. Remember, the context for all of this is “submit to one another.” So what is Paul’s word to husbands? It’s a parallel instruction, though we don’t see that in the English because he uses different words. It’s like a Hebrew poem, where they say the same thing only in different ways. Wives, submit to your husbands. Husbands, love your wives—and here is the key phrase—“as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her” (5:25). Here is the question I always ask: how did Christ show his love for the church? He died for her. Paul is saying: “Husbands, your love for your wife should be such that you are willing to die for her. Wives, you should honor your husband in such a way that he wants to die for you.” Husbands, rather than trying to prove or insist that we are “in charge,” we should be serving, loving, washing feet and living out the example Jesus set for us. If we have to prove we’re “in charge,” we’ve missed the point (cf. 5:28). This is the picture of mutual submission: both husband and wife following the example of Jesus 100% because it is only through Christ that husbands and wives will truly be connected as one. Remember, love “is not self-seeking…not easily angered…keeps no record of wrongs…always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:5, 7).

So the atmosphere in marriage should be one of love, not control. And that love, Paul says, has some very definite parameters. First of all, as I’ve already been saying, it is sacrificial love. “As Christ loved the church” (5:25). I love that phrase, but just think what it means. “Christ loved the church, not that the Church might do things for him, but that he might do things for the Church” (Barclay 173). Sacrificial means just that—it involves giving up something precious. That’s what sacrifice is. This past week, we celebrated the life of a woman who lived that out. I heard many stories about Judy Hadley this last week, but one that stood out came from early in she and Don’s marriage. He had finished his art degree but he needed additional training. They really couldn’t afford it at the time, but Judy worked hard, trimmed corners, sacrificed for herself and saved money so that she could give Don the gift of studying with an artist who became his primary mentor. For her, it undoubtedly seemed like a small sacrifice, but to Don, it was a gift large enough he still remembers it and treasures it all these years later. Marriage is about sacrificial love—giving up our own needs for the sake of the other, and when both husband and wife are doing that, that kind of love begins to model Christ.

Second, Paul says, marriage is defined by a purifying love. Paul says it is a “cleansing” love (5:26) and the imagery he uses here comes from baptism: “washing with water through the word.” In the ancient world, there was a marriage custom that involved the bride, on the morning of her wedding, being taken to a sacred stream in the local area, whatever flowing water might be considered sacred to the patron god of that city. There, she was bathed and, you could say, “washed” by the god or goddess, made pure and ready for her wedding. Paul is not urging that kind of action, of course, but for the Christian he has in mind the waters of baptism, through which we are made pure and new, “without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish” (5:27), ready for Christ who is often described as the groom of the church. We are his bride. A holy love between husband and wife will not damage either. It will make both better people, not worse; it will cause each to become more like Christ (cf. Barclay 174). I know in my own marriage, that has been the case. I am constantly challenged by the depth of my wife’s faith, a depth I especially see in her prayer life. I am challenged to be more like Jesus by the way she loves me, and I constantly thank God for the way she has made me a better Christian by her love. I pray that in some way I do the same in her life, because Christian marriage is marked by a purifying love.

It’s also marked by a caring love. Paul describes it this way: “No one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church” (5:29). Now, we have to acknowledge that today that there are certain forms of mental stress and even mental illness that result in behaviors of self-harm. There are people today who do hate their own body, but that is not a sign of a healthy, functioning person. In that setting, what Paul is referring to is a love that cherishes the other person. Marriage is not just a way to receive pleasure or to have your needs taken care of. If we think the other person is just there to serve us, to cook the meals or wash the clothes or provide money and a home, then we’ve forgotten the purpose of marriage. In this kind of connection, this kind of relationship, we are modeling the care that Christ has for his church, the kind of care Jesus has for each and every one of us. I always think of Dr. Robertson McQuilkin who, in the height of his career as a seminary president, stepped down from that influential position when his wife, Muriel, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and became terrified when he was away. His friends urged him to put her in an institution, but for McQuilkin, the decision was easy. Here’s how he said it: “When the time came, the decision was firm. It took no great calculation. It was a matter of integrity. Had I not promised, 42 years before, ‘in sickness and in health…till death do us part’? This was no grim duty to which I stoically resigned, however. It was only fair. She had, after all, cared for me for almost four decades with marvelous devotion; now it was my turn. And such a partner she was! If I took care of her for 40 years, I would never be out of her debt.” Caring love.

And fourthly, all of this is rooted, as I said in the beginning, by a love in the Lord. Jesus is the center. Jesus is the purpose. Jesus is the focus of the relationship. In fact, at every wedding I officiate, I remind the couple that while they are busy celebrating their love and commitment to one another, a marriage is really more than just two people. It is three: bride, groom and God (cf. Barclay 175). The liturgy for a wedding service begins with these words: “The covenant of marriage was established by God, who created us male and female for each other. With his presence and power Jesus graced a wedding at Cana of Galilee, and in his sacrificial love gave us the example for the love of husband and wife” (UM BOW 116-117). With Jesus as the focus, marriage becomes a disciple-making venue. It is a partnership with a mission.

So let me ask those of you who are married, do you have any idea what the purpose of your marriage is? Do you have a mission statement or a sense of the goals for your marriage? This is so important, especially as you grow older. I’ve seen so many cases where the main purpose, early on in marriage, is just getting through the days, raising the kids, making sure everyone is safe and secure. Then you come to the point in life where Cathy and I are and the kids are growing up and leaving the nest, and you begin to wonder if there is anything left. Is there any purpose? The question should be asked early on: what is Jesus calling us to? If you’re single and hoping to be married someday, this is also an exercise you can do, to determine ahead of time what priorities and goals you would want to share with a potential spouse (cf. deSilva, Sacramental Life, pg. 199).

But what about those times when the bond that we once believed in wholeheartedly seems to be broken beyond repair? Contrary to the permissiveness that existed in the first century with regards to divorce, Jesus and Paul and the rest of the New Testament writers offer only one condition for divorce: the breaking of the covenant. Some translations and interpreters restrict that to adultery, and others allow for a more lenient understanding of the language, including such things as abuse. I’m not up here this morning to draw a line in the sand; every story is different. I do want to say that, although we as United Methodist Christians and as Protestants don’t consider marriage as a sacrament, there is certainly a holy quality to it. It is a sacred act, not to be taken lightly; it’s important because it reflects to the world the love of Christ for his church. That’s an image Paul uses over and over again. The church is even referred to as the bride of Christ (cf. Revelation 21:2, 9-11). But, let’s be honest, the church as a whole has done a pretty bad job of supporting marriages and helping couples who are struggling. We tend to ignore the matter, or if we’re the ones who are struggling, we hide from others and pretend everything is okay. We are the body of Christ, called to love one another. Martin and Linda experienced the love of the church in the wake of an affair on Linda’s part. A courageous friend in the church came alongside her and lovingly challenged her to examine her choices. She didn’t simply point out how Linda was wrong; she spent a year with her, offering support, prayer, help, and a safe place to be open and vulnerable. It was not easy, and it took both Martin and Linda working on issues that had gotten them to where they were, but in part because of the care and support of the church, they were able to repair their marriage (deSilva 207-208). Their story and others like it are a reminder that “for marriages to flourish, couples need the support of Christian friends in times of crisis and in ordinary time” (deSilva 208). That means we need to be willing to come alongside those who are hurting, and those who are struggling need to be willing to not run away. It’s part of being in community, which is why in the wedding service, I ask all who are gathered: “Will all of you, by God’s grace, do everything in your power to uphold and care for these two persons in their marriage?” (UM BOW 118). It’s not “being nosey” to seek to help someone or a couple who is struggling; it is our Christian duty. It is our calling.

There are many other things we could talk about regarding Christian marriage, but I don’t have time today, so I want to close by paying tribute to the best Christian couple I know, and that’s my parents. This September they will celebrate 56 years of marriage, and while I know it hasn’t always been easy, they have shown both my brother and I how to live out your covenant through good times and through not-so-easy times. There were times when the money wasn’t as plentiful as they might have hoped, and other times when jobs weren’t quite as secure as they would have liked. I remember several times with my Dad’s job in particular where it seemed like everyone just beneath him on the seniority list were laid off. There were times Dad had to work shifts that maybe he didn’t want to work, but he did it to make sure his family was provided for. I also remember times when they would argue over this or that; I don’t remember the particulars, but I learned by watching how they responded that you could disagree and continue on. An argument wasn’t the end. As odd as it sounds, I’m glad I got to hear them argue; it was a good lesson for me. It taught me that even in those times when voices are raised, love isn’t gone. And they took us to church and instilled faith in us. I am who I am today in large measure because of the spiritual foundation they laid for me and for my brother. I am thankful for godly, Christian parents who don’t always get it right but who always seek to be faithful to Christ and to each other. Their example in my life taught me how to live connected as one. If the examples you have had in your life have not been positive ones or ones you want to strive toward, look around and see if there is someone who might be able to fill that role for you. That’s part of being in community as well. Who can help you when you’re struggling? Who can encourage you on good days and bad days? It might be someone in your life right now or you might have to screw up your courage and ask them to walk with you. But having those good examples in our lives is essential for our marriages to truly be places where we are connected as one, just as Jesus intended. Let’s pray.