Connected Through the Generations

Connected Through the Generations

Ephesians 6:1-4

January 19, 2020 • Mount Pleasant UMC

I’ve got something for you to listen to this morning. For some of us, this will be a trip down memory lane. For others of you, you’ll be like, “What in the world is this?” But take a listen to this…

VIDEO: AOL

Ah, yes, the sweet sounds of a modem struggling (or at least it always sounded like it was struggling) to connect to what we knew as the internet in the 1990’s. I still remember dialing in for the very first time, setting up an account with AOL (America Online), and feeling like I suddenly had the world at my fingertips. I didn’t really; when I signed on to AOL they didn’t have a way to get onto the wider internet. But I had email, and I knew exactly one person in the entire world who had email: a missionary friend in Africa. Of course, in those days, we didn’t see him very much and only got a photocopied support letter once a month or so. But now, I could email him, so I did! And he responded! And just like that, through the magic of the internet, we were connected. By the way, that took about thirty seconds, but didn't it seem like forever? Now, of course, most of us would never put up with thirty seconds to connect. We’re used to high speed wifi everywhere; in fact, I love the little sign that says, “Home is where the wifi connects automatically.” We’ve come a long way!

I got to thinking about those sorts of connections as I thought about this morning’s message. Today, as we continue our look at the different sort of connections or relationships we have in our lives, we’re focusing on families—parents and children. And it seems to me that those connections today fall into two categories. Either we’re on the dial-up plan, where connections are sketchy and generally don’t work very well, or we’re on the wifi plan, where the connection seems natural, smooth and strong. Well, that may be a bit of a stretch, but now you see how my brain works. Let me try to explain what I mean by turning, as we did last week, to the book of Ephesians and Paul’s advice to the new Christians there.

Last week, we talked a bit about the status of women in the Roman world, of which the city of Ephesus was a prominent part. Basically, women didn’t have much of a place except for childbearing and housekeeping. They had very few rights, and were thought of more as property than anything else. And, you hopefully remember, we also talked about the way the Christian faith and Paul both elevated women’s status, how in the church women were valued and treated as equals. Paul says in one place, “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28). That wasn’t saying the differences or distinctions didn’t matter; what Paul was saying is that all are valued and of equal worth in the eyes of God. One is not over the other; one is not more important than the other.

The same could be said of children. In the Roman world, children were often ignored and sometimes treated as an inconvenience. In the Roman household, fathers were given and exercised incredible power over the life of their children—literally. For one thing, the Romans had a custom of child exposure. When a child was born, it was placed at the father’s feet, and if he picked the child up, it would live. If he turned and walked away, that meant he refused to acknowledge it and the child could be thrown out, left exposed to die (Barclay, The Letters to the Galatians and Ephesians, pg. 176). You might guess that the girls were the ones most often discarded, though if the child had a birth defect or what we would call “special needs,” they had a higher likelihood of being rejected or even murdered (cf. Dunnam, Communicator’s Commentary: Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, Philemon, pg. 235). Unwanted children were commonly left in the Roman forum, where there was a thriving industry of babies being “rescued,” only to be groomed for slavery or trained for the brothels. Even being chosen to live was no guarantee of a safe life. A father could also sell anyone in his family into slavery, make them work in the fields, even inflict the death penalty if he wanted. And you thought some of your parents’ punishments were harsh! It was also true in the Roman world that a son never came of age until his father was dead; until your father was gone, you were always treated as a child, no matter what honors or achievements you had, no matter what age you were (cf. Barclay 175). Fathers were responsible to see that their sons were educated, but such education often included beatings if the child failed to achieve (cf. Cultural Backgrounds Study Bible, pg. 2067). Needless to say, it was not a pleasant time or place to be a child. Only the lucky survived, but they rarely knew much of what we would call “love” from a father.

Into that brutal world, Paul has a word to those who have grown up in such a culture but have now come to know Jesus. Jesus wants them to live a different way. He actually has two pieces of guidance here: one for children and one for parents. While not all of us have children, we all are children and we all have parents or caregivers, so in some way in this passage, Paul has something to say to all of us. And let’s remember, too, that all of this is still in the context of what he says back in 5:21. Try, if you can, to ignore the chapter break; those divisions weren’t added until much, much later. Paul did not write in chapter and verse! So remember what Paul said back at the beginning of this whole discussion: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Not only is that mindset and attitude supposed to define husbands and wives in their relationship; it’s an attitude that should shape everything that happens in families.

So after talking about marriage, Paul turns to children—and again, this is an amazing thing. When you consider how little value children had, it’s surprising that he would even discuss their place in the family. But then again, he’s following in the example of Jesus, who valued children enough to take a little one on his lap and tell those who were listening that this child was the example they were to follow. He said, “Unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:4). Then, he used pretty harsh language to describe what would happen to anyone who caused “little ones” to stumble (cf. Matthew 18:6-9). So Paul is right in line with Jesus in valuing children. He has two instructions for children here—and, by the way, the word used for “children” there simply means an offspring. He doesn’t seem to have any age limit in mind here; he’s simply speaking to anyone who is a child, or, in other words, anyone who has a parent…and the last time I checked, that’s all of us! So the first word he has for us is “obey:” “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (6:1). The word he uses there actually means to pay strict attention to, to listen attentively, or to obey. We understand the word “obey” when children are little. When I told my kids, “Don’t touch that hot stove” or “Don’t run into the street,” I expected them to obey. But as they have grown, the relationship naturally changed. Parents tend to shift from giving commands to giving guidance—sometimes wanted, and other times not wanted. What “obey” means there, what Paul means then, I think, is more in terms of “pay attention to.” Listen, discern, mull it over. My experience has been that the old descriptions of a child’s growth are more true than not. It goes something like this:

Age 5: My Dad is my hero.

Age 12: Dad is so embarrassing!

Age 16: Dad doesn’t know anything.

Age 25: I wonder what Dad thinks.

Age 30: I think I’ll call Dad and get his opinion.

Later in life: I wish Dad was here so I could talk to him one more time.

“Obey” doesn’t mean “do everything your parents say.” It has a broader meaning than that, and it is connected to the next word Paul uses, which is “honor.”

“Honor your father and mother,” Paul says, quoting the Ten Commandments. This is actually the fourth commandment, but as Paul says it is the first command with a promise (6:2). I realize you’re getting a lot of word definitions this morning, but it’s important because our language is often much more limited than the Greek that the New Testament was originally written in. The word translated “honor” has a basic meaning of “prizing,” to value, to hold in esteem. “Honor” doesn’t mean you place a parent on a pedestal. “Honor” doesn’t mean we act like our parents can do no wrong. What Paul is saying, straight out of his Jewish tradition, is that parents deserve to be treated well just because they are your parents. They gave you life. In many ways, good and bad, they have made you who you are. Your parents are people who should have value in your life; they deserve honor.

But, I know some of you are saying, “why should I honor my parents? They didn’t honor me. They did not parent in a way worthy of honor.” I hear you. Though I was blessed with “honorable” parents, I’ve known many people through the years and talked with many more who were not so blessed. I get it, but there is something we need to understand in relation to what Paul is saying here. This instruction is not about them; it’s about you and me. This is addressed to us as children, not to them as parents. We’ll get to their instructions in a moment. But Paul’s word here is not about them; it’s about you and me and whether or not we are willing to obey one of God’s top ten commands. It’s “not about their worthiness but your obedience” (Walt, Unpuzzled, pg. 136). The way to honor a parent in this case is to find something good about them and focus on that, celebrate that. Even if it’s just the fact that they gave you life, you can honor your parents for that. We should not gloss over the failures of our parents; the reality is that every parent is going to fail in some way. There is no perfect family; there are no perfect parents. I sympathize with Dr. J. D. Walt, who wrote, “The longer I parent the more I realize I know nothing about parenting” (135). Even though we say parenting is harder now than it’s ever been, the truth is every generation has said that. We parent from what we know, and we make mistakes just like generations before us have. That is, I believe, why Paul turns next to a word to parents.

“Fathers,” he says, “do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (6:4). Here’s (probably) your last word meaning for this morning: the word “exasperate.” I like that word; I like the way it sounds. But the word Paul uses is really stronger than that. It means, “to provoke to wrath, to enrage.” That’s pretty strong! And, I also believe that though Paul uses the word “fathers,” if he were writing this today he would include mothers as well. In his day, as I told you a few moments ago, fathers had complete control over their families, so it was more likely the fathers who would cause anger or rage in their children. Today, fathers and mothers share parenting responsibilities and one is as likely as the other to do something that provokes wrath. So what is he referring to? Is Paul talking about the young child who doesn’t get his or her way and then throws a fit? Is he talking about the screaming fit that happens in Wal-mart or at the restaurant? No. Telling a child “no” when they want something that is not good for them or maybe something that doesn’t fit into the family budget right now is simply good parenting. Children need boundaries. What Paul is talking about here are those things parents might do that cause deep hurt, wounds, anger that lasts a lifetime. Any kind of abuse would fall into the category of “exasperate”—physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual. Or a parent who is never satisfied; your achievements were never good enough. You never heard “an encouraging word” like “congratulations” or “well done” or “I love you.” Withholding can be as “exasperating” as direct action. If we were to turn this prohibition into a positive command, we might say, “Fathers, love your children as Christ loved the church.” Does that sound familiar? It’s the same sort of command Paul gave to husbands and wives in the last chapter. And that’s kind of the point of this week’s message and last week’s—the Biblical model for “family connections” is one of mutual love, respect, honor and mutual submission. It starts in the marital relationship and continues on into the parent-child relationship.

But that does not always happen. For a wide variety of reasons, some we understand and some we struggle to grasp, there are times when parents have refused to cultivate that kind of relationship. There are times when honor and respect have been far from the family home. And we grow up, and we determine never to do “that” (whatever “that” is) to our own children, but we also recognize those habits are hard to break. It’s difficult to move beyond entrenched family patterns until something happens to break the pattern. Or until someone steps in to break the pattern. The key to forging a new path in the midst of brokenness is one not-so-simple word: forgive. “Forgiveness breaks the cycle of intergenerational sin, preparing the way for brokenness to become blessedness” (Walt 137). The only one who can step in, break the past and lead us on a new path is Jesus.

I recognize that saying “forgive one another” is easier to do than actually doing the hard work of forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t easy in any situation, but it might be hardest when we’re dealing with those who are in our family, those who are (at least biologically) closest to us. Depending on what it is we need to forgive, we might need someone to walk alongside us, either a professional counselor or a spiritual mentor or a close friend. The first thing forgiveness requires is acknowledging the harm that has been done. We are often far too willing, especially in our families, to just say, “Oh, it’s no big deal. It really didn’t bother me that much.” I get it—we have to live with these people! We have to see them at the next family reunion or holiday gathering! But if we don’t acknowledge that wrong was done, we cannot forgive. And our acknowledging the hurt does not depend on the other person doing the same. They may never do that. But don’t let their denial of reality stand in the way of you moving toward healing. So—acknowledge what happened. “I was abused by this family member. I was ignored by…” And name them. That’s so important. Forgiveness that happens toward a specific person will cleanse you much more deeply than attempted “general” forgiveness. If the other person is willing, then, have a conversation. Maybe face to face, maybe over the phone, maybe with a third party present so that you feel safe. If they are not willing, or if they have died, you can write a letter to them, even if you don’t ever send it. Write out what you want to say and let them know you want to work on forgiveness. Recognize that forgiveness sometimes happens in a moment but more often it is a process. You did not get to the point of hurt and pain in a moment; you’re probably not going to move away from it in a moment.

What might you say in such a letter or conversation? Well, of course it should be in your own words, but you would want to start by calling the other person by name and assuring them that you want to remain in a relationship, remain connected to them. You do, however, want to deal with the hurt and the brokenness between you. Name it, even if it’s painful. There is great power in naming the hurt. You will never get past it if you can’t name it, say it out loud, acknowledge it. And also acknowledge your part in the brokenness. Use those two words that are often very difficult to say: “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry for the ways I complicated our relationship. Now, let me say a quick aside to those of you who are abuse victims: I am not saying that you should apologize for being abused. That was not your fault; you did not cause it. I want you to hear me very clearly. Abuse of any form comes along as a result of the other person’s sin. So if the matter between the two of you involved abuse, please do not hear me saying you are supposed to take responsibility for it. I do not believe that and would never suggest that. Finally, then, you would offer forgiveness to the other person, which you can do with something along the lines of: “I want you to know that I am working to forgive you, and I intend from this day forward to not let what happened between us to control or define me. I forgive you,” and if it’s appropriate, then ask them to forgive you. They might; they might not. But whether they forgive you or not, you can offer forgiveness to them.

Forgiveness, ultimately, is about healing your soul. So after this conversation, you need to let go of the hurt, the pain, the grudge. It must no longer control or define you; it is not who you are. I know the whole “let it go” thing is overused because of Frozen, but seriously: let it go. You were made for wholeness, not brokenness. God has so much more for you and it’s much easier to receive what he has with an open hand than with a closed fist. Forgiveness, one author says, involves dealing with our own internal bitterness, anger and rage as well as extending mercy to the other person (Hamilton, Forgiveness, pg. 81). And there is tremendous freedom when we put the past behind us and move into God’s future, especially when that involves those we are closest to—our children and our parents.

Many of you, I pray, have had good parents. The relationships in your family are good—not perfect, but good. And if that’s the case, celebrate! Give thanks to God for his mercy and grace among you. I’d even suggest you schedule a special time when you can celebrate your family. In our world, we are often running here and there and everywhere. I know when our kids were growing up, it was school, then dance and soccer practice and (hopefully) dinner squeezed in there somewhere, then maybe something at church and then a bath and a book and off to bed. The days go by so fast because there is so much to do. But before you know it, those days will be past. I was glad when the kids started driving on their own, but I also began to miss the time we would have in the car going from place to place, chatting about the day and just spending time together. The times we remember the most are the times when we spent time together as a family. Often it’s the times when we got out of town together, or when we were intentional about making memories, when we slowed down long enough to celebrate. I cannot urge you enough to make time for celebration, for connection, and for doing the one thing Paul tells parents to do. Did you notice that? He doesn’t tell us to enroll our children in every activity. He doesn’t tell us to make sure they get perfect grades. He doesn’t tell us they have to excel at every sport they play. What does he tell parents specifically to do? “Bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (6:4). Help them know Jesus. Point them toward Jesus. That is our number one job as parents.

That does not guarantee that your children will stay in church or be faithful to the Lord. I have known faithful parents who have done the best they could and still find their children struggling with the faith they have been raised in. I believe wholeheartedly two promises in the Scriptures (well, more than that, but for this morning’s purposes, these two stand out). The first is this: “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6). The other is this: God says, “My word…will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it” (Isaiah 55:11). When we plant seeds in the hearts of our children and grandchildren, I believe God will continue to grow those seeds until they mature. Bring them to church, worship together, help them learn the faith. Trust, pray and trust some more. Oh, and one more thing you might want to do, especially those of you who have younger children or grandchildren. On February 29, we’re hosting a one-day workshop for everyone in the community called “Parenting Through the Phases.” It’s going to be an energetic and informative day with all sorts of great ideas—and it’s free. Take a look at this promo.

VIDEO: Phases Promo

So—February 29. That will be here before you know it! There’s a link in the bulletin this morning to sign up.

So what’s your family connection like? Is it a slow-speed dial-up connection—lots of noise and not always on? Not always reliable? Do you just do the basics to get through? Or are you like a high-speed “always on” wifi connection? You can rely on the connection to always be there, always provide what you need, always get you through? What kind of connection do you have, and more than that—what kind of connection do you want? What will you do to have a better connection with the generations in your life? Let’s pray.